If being settled and not making those steps to meet and build friendships with new people is common to more of us than just me, then I think that if any structural change is to be made, it should be done in a way that encourages, equips, and frees us to put our missional convictions into practice individually.
There are probably many reasons why I (and others?) do not do well at engaging new friends, some of them personal and some of them cultural. These issues, at least for me, are not entirely new, and discussion on why I haven't done better at growing in this area could certainly be a topic of discussion, though better suited for my own personal blog or
- Am I alone in feeling like we aren't doing well at meeting new people and engaging them with the community of faith?
- If you agree that this is a significant weakness that needs to be addressed, how can we address it?
- What priority should this have relative to other areas of growth?
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6 comments:
I agree. I have a problem meeting new people, let alone developing meaningful relationships with them. I think that my inner reasoning is, if we don't have the bond of Christ, then what DO we have? Unless a person happens to like to do everything that I do and wants to hang out all the time, I feel like I don't have time to invest meaningfully into the life of another. I realize that this is untrue, but how do I go about changing it? Is there some class that can teach us all how to strike up a conversation? I've actually READ books about "mingling", but they were really, really superficial.
I think a key thing for this is consistency in a place that is not our work and is not our church...that "third place" that we've heard talked about. I feel like when I was in a pool league or playing in a band, I had a context to get to know people, and a consistency of seeing them that made for a more organically grown relationship. I now have neither of those things, and I believe that this is why I am not meeting any new people. Where would I meet them?
Ditto Paul. I am with you. You are not alone. I was at an all day staff meeting last week where we had organizational and ministry discussions on BVC as a whole. One thing that Chris Little brought up and was screaming in my heart was, "Are we making disciples?" What he meant was not are Christians "maturing" but are we helping some people come to faith for the first time. Honestly, the conversation was discouraging. If we are not replicating ourselves, by making disciples and training new leaders, what are we doing?
I agree it doesn't really matter what we do if it does not contribute to a missional lifestyle. I have been thinking about what I ought to do differently, but it is difficult in suburbia. I just don't go out of my way to rub shoulders with non-Jesus loving and obeying people.
My opinion is that it ought to be our top priority. If we are living missionally, I think "connecting" will come as will "unleashing." I believe mature believers live missionally and that makes me consider what type of things I should teach that would contribute to our growth as missionaries, as true disciples.
Here are a few rambling thoughts about connecting to new people:
I think that the difficulty in finding "third places" is not unique to us in the church. The suburbs in general, and as one article notes, especially those that grew up in the 50's and 60's (like Lakewood, for example), lack third places. The internet has become the new but (IMO) ineffective third place. It seems to me that this is an area that our culture in general, not just our Christian sub-culture, struggles with. I think that from a big-picture perspective, we ought to work toward and encourage our community or communities to develop third places (as encouraged in Jer 29:7 and in the cultural mandate in general).
Thus, we have some cultural impediments to meeting new people. In addition to these, there are issues specific to our sub-culture. As a just-big-enough church group, we have, I think, a pretty good support network among ourselves. Whether you need help moving, someone to do something fun with, or a listening ear, you can pretty much get that from someone in Regen. From that perspective, there isn't a pressing personal need to get out and extend our network because we already feel pretty comfortable where we're at. For me anyway, I feel like I hardly get to see the friends I have enough, let alone find time to go hang out someplace to make new friends. I think there is some synergy that can be had if we would go with friends to meet new friends. (Friends of friends is a good way to meet new people anyway...) Nonetheless, this seems to be a factor in why we are where we are.
Finally, there are individual issues. These are the things that are specific to each one of us that keep us from getting out. I find it difficult to talk to strangers. I don't mind being around them and enjoy getting to know them while someone else talks or while doing something that doesn't require extensive conversation, but to think of just going to a strange place full of strange people and striking up a conversation is freaky. Other people will have their own issues (night school, family commitments, etc.).
All these factors work together to produce our present situation. However we address them, I think it needs to be more comprehensive than just "get out there and do it!!!", which I think tends to produce either guilt or dead works, yet more optimistic and active than "it's just sooooo hard".
Now, about being missional:
On one hand, I do think that developing individual and community missional lifestyles is critical for us to successfully grow as a ministry. I am tempted to say that this is the number one area in which we need to develop. At the same time, I am hesitant to make this the primary principle around which we organize our study of Scripture and our activity and emphasis as a ministry. The place of honor ought to belong to Christ himself, not to the missio dei, and our response ought to be to repentance, faith, and obedience to the Lord. To put it another way, our mission is Jesus, not the mission itself. So we should preach and teach Jesus, not "go out and be missional", except insofar as "go out and be missional" fits properly within the context of the gospel.
Paul, you are articulating many things that I have been struggling with for quite some time now.
I have a Christian job with Christian co-workers. I got to a Christian church with Christian friends. In high school and college I played on Christian sports teams. I was homeschooled K-12 in a Christian home and most recently spent two years at a Christian college. You get the idea.
You said: “Based on my own experience, I think that our biggest issue to overcome in reaching people has more to do with individually living missional lives than changing the activities that Regeneration does or the way that we do them. Let's face it: If I'm not meeting new people, talking to them, building friendships, and drawing them into the Regen community, then it really doesn't matter if Regen has the perfectly organized and executed activity program.” I have been thinking/feeling the exact same thing!
How can we address this weakness? That is a tougher question. My bias is that we can emphasize it on a regular basis in teaching/preaching :-) Not in the sense of doing a specific series, but just in bringing it up regularly in whatever series we are doing so that it becomes a part of our DNA.
What priority should this have relative to other areas of growth? I guess I don’t think of it as a matter of priority so much as a matter of DNA. “Priority” seems to carry the idea of focusing on one thing to the exclusion of other things. “DNA” means it is a part of whatever we are focusing on.
The more we talk about it, the more it will be on our mind, the more we will think about it/pray about it throughout the week, the more we will act. As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.” So I think an initial step is just to keep it in sight, keep it in front of us. (But this is, granted, only a starting point.)
Thanks for your post! I think this will be a hard road, but it will be worth it.
I would also like say that this is not a uniquely Christian issue. As human beings, we tend to associate with the people who are most like ourselves. This is why we have black churches, charismatic churches, and young adult churches. This is why we have bowling leagues, motorcycle clubs, and chess clubs. We tend to associate with those who share our beliefs, values, interests, ideals, hobbies, etc.
We do this for both positive and negative reasons. For example, positively, we may associate with others who share our same ideals so that we can work together to get things done. Negatively, we may associate with others who agree with our views in order to avoid the social ostracism that often comes when we associate with those who disagree. We don’t like to be different. We don’t like to be excluded. Even those who are “countercultural” tend to associate with others who are countercultural.
Thus, as Christians, we have a propensity to form the “Christian ghetto” that you as aptly described in one of the posts on your blog. The difference is this: we have a higher mandate. If you are into motorcycles, you might structure your lifestyle and associations around other motorcyclists. That is fine. But, as Christians, Jesus didn’t save us so that we can spend all of our free time associating with other Christians. He saved us so that we can love God, love our neighbor, and make disciples.
This is why we feel uncomfortable inside the Christian bubble. Our discomfort is a sign of the Holy Spirit at work.
Yay hurray for the Holy Spirit working!! I pray our uncomfortableness will continue until we are showed what to do about it and DO IT!
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